The Trans Poem
by Michal 'MJ' Jones

I wanted to write the neat little trans poem that fits in & then folds out like a french tuck

I wanted to write epistles to my eight year old self stuffing socks in my jean crotches

I wanted to write how I kept dreaming of a thousand dead seahorses beached & blanched in sand

about being foreign to my own body & walking down the least traveled road back to myself

I wanted to return to the metaphor of the chrysalis

But what I fear of metaphor

is softening my edges in an empire that requires a jagged fist / 

              a whale jaw / an ever thickening skin / a serrated blade 

to keep me & my beloved breathing

I tried to write it neat

But I cannot even comprehend having a body 

outside of this tortoise shell I hope has grown hard enough against your knives

I cannot defy a category that I did not invent (& neither did your God)

I tried to write it but a scream came forth

I tried to sing sweet birdsong but coughed up barbed wire in place of melody

I tried to say it but I am afraid

I am afraid.

But y’all – y’all don’t want we transgenders to be

half as dangerous as you imagine

You of, “but what about the children?” : we are the children we are the children we are the children we are!

Each morning I pray my son does not become fodder for a bullet’s hungry mouth inside of some elementary school classroom but what about the children?

You fear you will meet us in the bathroom

I fear there is no long or short walk that ends at home

I fear my child selves will keep jumping from bridges

only for you to say “no no not this – this is not what we meant”

State by godawful state introducing bills to deny trans people access to gender affirming care
in a deepened & wild commitment

to eradicate us from existence

And when we are killed you will say “this is not what we meant, violence is not the answer”

The dictionary antonym to existence

is death

So, what is it you meant?

You just mean

un become un become un

become 

Some of y’all have never been reviled and it shows

Some of y’all have never been the prey of prey and it shows

I woke up three times in the night smelling of future blood spilt

Each day I scheme of ways to weaponize this body of mine

A body that belongs to me and a God that you say I do not know

You know nothing of true fear

—-

You fear us 

You really keep fearing us

And I swear to you and your [dead] God

We will give you something to be afraid of

---

Michal ‘MJ’ Jones is a Pushcart Prize nominated poet & parent in Oakland, CA. Their poems have appeared or are forthcoming in Anomaly, Kissing Dynamite, Muzzle Magazine, and TriQuarterly Review. They have a debut full-length poetry collection HOOD VACATIONS from Black Lawrence Press, nominated for the 2024 Lambda Literary Award in Transgender Poetry, and a chapbook, SOFT ARMOR, from Nomadic Press. Often addressing the troubling and haunting aspects of life, violence, and identity, MJ’s work blends the lyrical, documentary, and confessional modes. MJ serves as the Editor-In-Chief of Foglifter Press, a premier journal publishing trans and queer literature. They have received fellowships from Lambda Literary, Hurston/Wright Foundation, VONA/Voices, & Kearny Street Workshop. They received their MFA in Poetry from Mills College, where they received the distinguished Community Engagement Fellowship.http://michal-jones.com